It’s so tempting- death seems like such a sweet release, like just the answer to quell your aching heart. I’m not going to lie, I used to fantasize about dying. If you’ve been in my shoes, you get it. And I wrote this article just for you.
((Trigger warning regarding suicide/depression for any lovely soul reading this <3 This is a candid look and love letter into my life dancing with depression. Talk of suicide and depression will be spoken about with honesty, as the truth tends to set free those bound.))
That’s what I once thought, and I get it if that’s where you are right now. I want you to know that, whoever you are, if there’s hope for someone as close as I was to death, there’s hope for someone like you.
I fell in love with Death.
He became my solace, my hope. Why would anyone want to bear the pain I felt in my brain when the answer seemed so easy.
Why the heck am I still here? By dumb luck, maybe God, maybe the Universe. Whatever it may be, I had about a snowball’s chance in Hell to making it out of this prison alive, yet I did.
And I’m not going to shut up about it.
I looked Death in the face. I kissed Death. But I lived.
Here’s how to get out of Hell, written by the girl who fell in love with Death herself.
1) It will seem like everyone has abandoned you. Maybe they have, maybe they haven’t. Either way, the answer to solve this is to make peace with yourself, to fall in love with yourself and show yourself the love you so desperately crave. Honestly, this is what made me super suicidal, and the only way to get out of this is to make peace without them- to make peace with yourself. To wrap yourself in the love you so desperately crave. To be your own friend. To say the things and whisper them into your own ear, write them on your arms, write them on your heart– the words you so desperately crave to hear.
When I did this, the people who left me and scorned my pain came back to me in droves to shower friendship upon my doorstep like flowers. But I had to become my own friend, first. And when they came back, I didn’t need them. I had finally found a way to fill the hole that no amount of friendship or love from another can fill, I found it within myself.
Self-love, it’s worth it’s weight in gold. And when you become your own friend first, you will find that making friends with others will come to you as easily as wishing upon a star- or sending a text.
2) Things will trigger you and make your depression worse or spark suicide ideations. No matter how small you think they are, do not walk into that mine field. Run the other way!!!
If you ever talk to Death, he will tell you that he knows me well. He knows the areas of my heart much better than I know myself.
If anyone wants me to become suicidal in a snap, without warning, all they have to do is attack two areas of my life: my career and my love life. Attack both at once and I’m a puddle of pudding sobbing on the floor.
In fact, both areas of my life went to Hell about a few months ago. And the suicidal thoughts came back faster then I could say “crap, not again.”
But this time, I was smarter. Instead of saying “Why are you so weak? It’s just career stress and the guy you love doesn’t love you back. Man up and get tough- you should be able to handle this on your own.” I ran. Far away.
I got professional help, I called the suicide hotline (I’ll link the number at the bottom of the article- they helped a lot). I sat outside in nature, I took naps. I distracted my mind with funny things, family time, and good movies. I made plans and took steps to improve my career situation.
And in regards to love, I gave myself time to cry and heal.
It helped me get through this period of depression in a matter of weeks instead of years like last time. Professional help, it will save you when you are walking towards a minefield. Anything can trigger or make depression worse- don’t judge yourself for being “weak.” No one in their right mind walks through a minefield. Notice the trigger, get help, and get the hell out of there.
3) You’ll make it out alive.
Really. There will be days when you feel more in love with life than you do with Death. It will get better, I promise.
Here are resources to get you there:
My story with depression plus resources on how to get help from a professional and the exact steps I took to get better at: