I never thought I would write this, let alone publish it under my name — because nobody wants to be the person to admit someone who was supposed to love and respect you… didn’t.
But more importantly, it hurts to admit it is hard to let this person go.
Yes, yes, I know. Every self-help article on the topics of abuse, neglect, improper treatment in a friendship or relationship, or similar situations, will tell you to get out of that situation, to leave that person.
And yes, I understand this advice is sound.
But, I never knew how hard it was to escape from this until I had to let go of a relationship that turned toxic in my own life — and it has been a struggle I didn’t think I had the strength to fight.
In the dictionary, it says abuse can span many categories, from physical, emotional, mental, to outright neglect.
For me, it was more of a relationship turned toxic than abuse — I never thought it was a relationship I should leave because it didn’t look on the outside like the one I had been so well-taught to leave if it became abusive.
I knew if someone was abusing me — I should leave.But, how about disrespecting me, or showing me they simply do not care about or value me in the way I should be valued?
That was muddy water I was not sure how to navigate.
And, something important to note: someone doesn’t have to full-on abuse you for it to be considered an unhealthy relationship — and this can happen in any type of relationship — romantic or not.
It could be someone manipulating you to get their way. Or not respecting your boundaries. Or it could be someone who doesn’t honor you — who, when your very heart was on the line, when you needed someone to stand up for you more than ever, threw you to the dogs to save their reputation.
Someone who doesn’t value you as a person, and they make it clear through their words and actions.
This person was supposed to care for you, at least they swore to the moon and back they did.
Yet, they so clearly show with their actions that they don’t.
And this type of thing doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships, it can happen in any type of relationship: friend, family member, professional, you name it. For me, it was not a romantic relationship I held on to for too long, rather another one. In this type of relationship, the disrespect was difficult to spot — it was difficult to convince myself this person didn’t care for me because they always seemed to hang around just enough to make it seem like they did.
Help, I still love this person.
The hardest part was not in recognizing this relationship was unhealthy.
The hardest part was in letting this person go — and convincing myself I deserved better treatment than their crap that they so convincingly lead me to believe I deserved.
I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe that my own judgement was clouded — that I didn’t see this coming. Why couldn’t I be smarter, wiser, etc. to prevent myself from keeping a relationship like that?
What does that say of me, that I must be crap and therefore attract relationships that are crap, or why else would this happen to me… I must have deserved it.
I’ve learned from friends and experts on this that no one deserves this or any mistreatment — ever. Yet, it is so hard not to blame myself for not running sooner.
But the fact is, I am ashamed.
I am ashamed.
I am ashamed, because I still want to love this person.
Over and over again, I have looked at the facts. Over and over again, I have laid the past out in front of me and pointed to the numerous cases that show this person is not healthy for me.
Yet, I can’t seem to let them go.
My mind is lying to me, playing tricks.
Because every time I speak to them again, I want to care for them.
They show their true colors, my heart shatters a bit more, and I come crashing back to planet Earth. Yet, this time a little more numb, a little less trusting.
If I could stop loving this person, I would.
Because this is affecting every relationship in my life.
I run far from the people who are there for me and run close to those who will never be.
My heart is broken and blue from the mistreatment I’ve enacted upon it — because that’s what I’m used to, that’s what I’ve been taught.
And honestly, I can’t tell a friend from a foe anymore.
I automatically think that anyone who wants to be my friend is just using me — manipulating my heart like it’s been misused so much before.
I think: (as I so vividly remember how this person swore they would be there for me) that anyone who says they’ll have my back will stab it like this person did.
Honestly, I don’t know how to get over this.
Because loving someone who views you as worthless starts to make you think those same thoughts about yourself.
And it’s embarrassing to admit that.
But I guess the first step is admitting it. Check.
Then I guess the second step is making an appointment with a professional to try and get solid, sound advice from someone who is trained to help you. Double check.
Well, naturally, the third step is to write sad music about this person and… (ok, kidding! Unless that helps you, which honestly, it helps me to channel my emotions through music at times. 🙂 Triple check.
And the fourth step is to realize that, no matter how that person treated you, it does not reflect your worth as a person whatsoever. No amount of abuse, dishonor, neglect, broken promises, missed dates, lies, manipulation, or anything under the sun can take away your worth and value as a person.
You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Don’t let anyone’s mistreatment of you let you think otherwise. And I promise again I’ll try as well.